Every man should be so lucky as to have a wife like mine. I’d rather hang out with her than anybody in the world. Often I’ll ask her to go do something with me when I have no need for her assistance, but great want for her companionship. I love her so much!

It’s 7:00 a.m. I’ve been awake for an hour, blissfully happy after seven straight hours of good sleep—unusual for a male on the backside of 40. And I’ve been lying there in my warm bed beside Kelly, just pondering as I drift in and out of sleep.

I am so happy. I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I have such a wonderful life and a big part of that is a wonderful wife. As I lay here my mind drifted back to a conversation we had yesterday out at the barn where we’d gone to get the heating pad so we could plug it in on the porch so the cat could stay warm—a story digression just to demonstrate what an exciting and exotic life we live!—a conversation which she started by saying “You’re a very lucky man. The girls have practice for two hours tomorrow and I thought…….” (I’ll let you fill in the blanks while I pray that her creativity is as powerful as your imagination.)

My wife is a wonderful help to me in so many ways. She listens (though she’s kind of a busy, flitty, type so I have to catch her sometimes). She gives me good counsel. She works really hard just keeping our home up. She mows, farms, plants flowers, does laundry, keeps the books (at the office), runs the taxi for the girls, and……she’s enthusiastic in the bedroom. And I’m truly grateful, for ALL of that and more. She’s an incredible woman and I stopped her yesterday, gazed deeply into her eyes, and told her how much I appreciated her; both the bedroom her, and the everywhere else her.

I’m convinced there are many marriages that have dutiful spouses filling roles, but based on experience as a pastoral counselor and conversational observations through life, my guess is that alot of couples miss out on the bedroom bliss. A gynecologist friend discussing marriage confirmed that anecdotally when he commented recently (anonymously, of course) on an exam he’d performed on a married woman. He said “I could tell that nobody had been there since her exam last year.”

That’s such a shame! It’s more than a shame, its a travesty. In some cases its a sin. It seems like such an easy thing to fix, and yet people struggle so much. Why?

Intimacy. Oneness. Knowing and being known. It scares people. There is something in the human psyche, placed there by Satan when Adam allowed him to corrupt that prototype human hard drive, that alienates us. It causes us to fear one another, to fear discovery, to fear judgment, and we miss out on something that my physician described as “heaven—as close as we’ll get until we get there.” Indeed, the notion of oneness, acceptance, fully knowing and fully being known is part of the steamy imagery of the Bible. What we can have with our mate in marriage is SUPPOSED to portend what we can also have in our relationship with God. Marriage can be a taste of Heaven, in advance.

I think people miss out on this aspect of their relationship because their “intimacy program” is corrupted. But Kelly has a different view. She says there is no exuberance in the bedroom because there’s no kindness in the kitchen.

Hmmm.

I get her point, and I can agree with it (isn’t that smart of me—wink, wink—did I mention how brilliant my wife is).

In reality, I think it’s all the above and much more. Men and women do crave intimacy, but don’t understand it and struggle profoundly to find it—and it really isn’t about being naked between the sheets. And, there is a lack of kind sensitivity in how we treat our spouses that bleeds over into the bedroom. Boorish behavior, gentlemen, doesn’t make her want you.

Unfortunately, this is an area of life we don’t discuss much in polite company. It’s everywhere on TV, and in locker rooms. But the things we hear and learn there have little bearing in reality. Rarely do we get the chance to talk with real couples about real things…..”Do you……..?”……….and so our education and information about how to relate in this vital area comes from the Stepford Wives or the latest edition of Cosmopolitan magazine: hardly reliable sources.

It’s been our good fortune to talk with a few couples about this sensitive area, and reports that came back were that those conversations had helped improve the quality of their lives. Awesome! So, until we might someday have a chance to talk, I’ll leave you with a few things I’ve learned that might be helpful:

• Ladies, he really does need you sexually, often. Not just “available” as a tool, but engaged enthusiastically. Take the initiative in this area and you can lead him around by the……………nose. Nose. What were you thinking? You can lead him by the NOSE.
• Guys, take a bath and shave.
• Girls, he is visually stimulated. God made him that way. Take advantage of that, and feed it.
• Guys, She’s not visually stimulated. She’s emotionally stimulated. That happens through talking. She needs to talk. Listen.
• Guys, did I mention she needs to talk?
• Guys, take out the trash. Speak with kindness. She needs to feel loved and valued as a person and a partner, not just as a sex object. I know. It’s hard. She’s got breasts. But really, if you can learn to engage and communicate your appreciation of the total package, you’ll get more access to the parts you so physically enjoy.
• In the bedroom, judgment is suspended. Just have fun, go all in, and be as silly as you wanna be. (And keep the lights on for goodness sakes.)
• Turn off the damnable TV and talk to one another.
• Make sexual jokes with each other and cultivate innuendo. It creates a tension that makes life interesting and keeps you engaged with each other. I make the stupidest jokes with Kelly, and she laughs every time. I don’t even think the jokes are funny. They are so predictable. But that’s kind what makes them work. She knows I’m gonna go there, and she laughs when I do, and I laugh at the fact that she laughs. And that’s what makes us work.
• Seek to serve and help each other in every room of the house. It really is all about the other person.

There’s a lot more I’d love to share and frankly, I could write this better if I had time to go back, edit, and reorganized my thoughts. But, I’ve got a big day ahead of me. I’d better get going. I’ve got to take out the trash, shower, shave………..