I’m no Dear Abby, but I’m playing one on the blog today. A reader recently sent me an email saying: “I quit going to the church that my husband feels called to go to. It’s a VERY small church & I’ve felt judged by several people there because of struggles I’ve been having in my spiritual life. The sermons also often make me angry…perhaps because they touch on things about God & Christianity that frustrate me. Anyway, me staying home has made our home WAY more peaceful on Sunday afternoons. My husband thinks I should submit to his authority (like a good Christian wife) & go to church anyway. What do you think?”

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Dear Reader,

Your question reminds me of that old entrapment trick question “Have you quite beating your wife yet?” Either answer indicts you, and so I suspect that any answer I give to your question could subject me to similar danger. So, here goes…..

You reference a struggle in your marriage and frustration with God and Christianity. Don’t feel special. We all have marital issues, and either things about God and faith matters that confuse or frustrate us. The first thing to realize is that you aren’t by yourself. You should also know that all around you are dozens of like minded people of faith who are stumbling in a similar manner. The sooner we are all honest about that and live out our faith in honest community with one another, the better marriages and more grounded spiritual lives we’ll have.

Here are some thoughts about your specific query.

First: I suspect that this really isn’t about going to church. I could be wrong, but I’m guessing there is something else going on within your marriage relationship that is just erupting at this particular point. Infection is like that. It’s contained within your body, it finds a stronghold somewhere, and then the infection grows until a boil erupts through your skin. So I’d be asking myself some honest and heartfelt questions about the state of my marriage first.

Second: You speak of struggles in your spiritual life. There’s nothing shocking or shameful about that. Let me ask: If you were having a struggle with your vision what would you do? If you were having a struggle with your plumbing at home, what would you do? In both cases you’d seek help. So have you sought help from a skilled and wise practitioner regarding the spiritual things that nag you?

I’ve learned—mostly since my own crisis going on two decades ago—that our spiritual strengths, weaknesses, and problems have much to do with our nutrition, digestion, and exercise. Are you ingesting the right things? Are you practicing the disciplines of sound-minded “Right Thinking” that produce a harvest of right behaviors, right attitudes, and right actions in your life? And finally, what are you doing to become stronger spiritually?

The first thing I recommend you do is give up! You and I both come from a religious tradition that emphasizes that salvation is Christ’s work alone, but our church tradition is full of good-sounding but guilt-inducing mechanisms which lull us onto a treadmill of praying more, reading our Bible more, volunteering more. It’s “works-based salvation” by a different name. Give it up!

I read my Bible a lot, virtually every day. I pray throughout many of my days. But I’m not reading and praying and doing because I “ought” to. Instead its like eating and exercising to me. If I don’t do it, I’ll grow weaker, less flexible, and unable to function as I was intended. If I do, do it. I grow stronger and my life works better. I engage in spiritual disciples because I need them and they work, not because I ought to.

Thirdly: People’s judgements don’t matter, unless you empower them. As you know, I’ve experienced my share of judgement. It always mattered to me A LOT because I craved approval. But when you figure out that your value was totally and solely determined by what Jesus did for you on the cross (stop and read that statement again), then what other people think about you really doesn’t matter. In fact, the older and wiser I grow the less I feel the need to judge others. I recognize their shortcomings as the product of their nature, environment, decisions, and information. So if I judge them its on whether they are seeking to learn more (starting with God), think better thoughts which produce better decisions, and submit themselves to people and an environment where they can grow. To hell with what people think about you!

Fourthly: By all means you should submit to your husband…and…he should submit to you. Husbands who employ caveman tactics of clubbing their wives over the head, and wives who kick like jackasses at their husbands merely prove they don’t get it. It’s about mutual submission. My wife will submit to me, but I won’t ask her to submit to anything that she stridently disagrees with. Similarly, if she was reluctant to do what I asked, she’d still make every effort to cooperate with me because its me and she loves me. We move toward each other. And we find happiness in the middle.

Incidentally, this moving toward each other starts in the bedroom, but that’s fodder for another day. I’ll just say this: throw yourself more enthusiastically into sex, and you’ll be surprised how he’ll come around to your way of thinking. And guys should know if they’ll spiffy up and demonstrate more gracious thoughtfulness—and listen, wow, they like to talk. You gotta listen—-she’ll be more interested in the bedroom. It’s about each giving what the other wants, instead of withholding it selfishly.

Fifthly: I think this struggle is evidence of Satan’s work to destroy you, and neutralize the positive impact of your marriage. When I mention something like this, many people bristle or wave me off as old-fashioned—like I believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. But the simple truth is evil exists. It is rooted in the person of Lucifer. You and I came of age in a time when “God is Dead” was popular. In our church tradition we never bought into the myth that God was dead, but we more or less allowed the notion of Satan to expire. As a result we weren’t taught much about how to deal with spiritual oppression despite the fact that Jesus repeatedly taught that our enemies were spiritual forces working through humans, and the Bible is full of teaching on spiritual warfare. Why would that teaching be necessary if there weren’t indeed a battle going on for the lives of men and women, boys and girls, and marriages? When my wife and I are engaged in marital warfare, I eventually always get my wits about me and realize that it’s not her, its satanic or demonic interference to destroy the fabulous thing we have.

I don’t see a boogey-man behind every bush, but as long as you and I deny, ignore, or remain oblivious to the work of the Devil, he’ll continue to successfully impede our experience of the abundant life that Jesus promised in John 10:10. Remember, Jesus himself said “The Devil seeks to kill and destroy.”

Recognizing who and what your enemy is—thinking rightly—is one of your first steps to finding healing.

Finally: You need the church. You may not need what is offered at the gathering your husband wants to participate in on Sunday that refers to itself as “church.” But you need the companionship, encouragement & accountability of the people who know Jesus’ power to change lives and who are living in pursuit of Him. Whether you get that down at First Assembly of Whatever, or in a small group that meets regularly to focus on spiritual growth, you need to be with people and share Jesus-centered community. It’s in those groups that four things happen: #1. You can know, and be known. #2. You can love, and be loved. #3. You can serve, and be served. #4. You can celebrate, and be celebrated. Worship and teaching in an environment organized around those four things creates an atmosphere where you, your mate, and your family can work out the issues of abundant daily living empowered by Jesus in you.

There was a big article in the newspaper today about the local franchise of the Church of What’s Cool at the Moment which has taken over a local nightclub and is producing “services”(we’ll see if any “worship” takes place) complete with rock-n-roll and a fog machine. The article quoted someone with the title of Campus Coordinator as saying “You don’t need to change to be here.” I found that interesting. No need for change?

If you don’t need to change, what’s the point? Country club memberships are cheaper than a tithe, and they have golf, tennis & swimming. So if you don’t need to change, why not join a country club instead of go to church.

I need to change.

In my unchanged state I am angry. Don’t know why. Training I suppose.

In my unchanged state I want to kill people whom I am pretty sure deserve it.

In my unchanged state its all about me. Who cares about you!

You see, my unchanged state isn’t a pretty thing. Decorate yours up with all the fancy flowers and Deepak Chopra mantras you want, and it still smells like a pile of…….

Make no mistake about it: you need change!

I’ve found that churches don’t offer much change, for the most part; particularly as they drift away from the central teaching that Jesus came and died in our place to PRODUCE CHANGE in our lives if we would submit to follow Him. Over and over the message of Jesus was “repent” which means “change”—literally it means to turn around and go a new direction. A change in direction! Yes! That’s what I need!

It concerns me when we spend thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars to increase the cool factor of following Christ, and in all of the cool the man Jesus often gets over-shadowed. Reminds me of something the prophet once ascribed to God. “Not by might, nor by power (nor by coolness?), but by my Spirit, says the Lord.”

Let’s give the Campus Coordinator the benefit of the doubt, maybe she meant “You don’t need to change to come here, but you can leave here changed.” If that’s the message, I’m all for it! But if the purpose of her multi-million dollar, video-driven, fog-filled stage is to produce a cool place to hear rock-n-roll that occasionally inserts the word “Jesus” into the lyrics so the club can maintain it’s tax exempt status, I’m dubious. But then……I can change.

I received a compliment this week. It wasn’t necessarily meant as one. It was just an observation, but it complimented me. A fellow said to me “I sense a calmness in you.”

Indeed. I feel more calm today than perhaps ever in my 48 years.

In Ecclesiastes this morning I read about “The quiet words of the wise…” (v 9:17) and that “calmness can lay great errors to rest.” (v 10:4)

There’s a thought: How many raging fires exist in your life because there was a little spark caused by friction—-and there is friction everywhere, everyday—and in frustration and anger you threw gasoline on the spark? I’d hate to think about how many heart-acres I have scorched because I didn’t exhibit calmness. I’m reminded that Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”

Where does calm come from? Is it just an age thing? Only to the extent that time allows you to dig your well deeper.

I think calmness comes from depth. Shallow water has turbulent ripples but deep water is calm. Calmness comes from depth. Where does depth come from?

Depth—deep—-dig, Ah Ha! You gotta dig to get to depth. Dig what? I think your own heart.

My pastor friend, Hosea Bilyeu, has repeatedly encouraged me to listen slowly, think deeply, pray fervently, and obey faithfully. Pause to consider the first two thoughts. Listen slowly implies carefully considering what you hear. Don’t be rushing to formulate your answer. Think deeply. Shallow thinking produces shallow answers that hit us like cotton candy. They may sound good, but they quickly melt to nothing. Deep thinking sometimes—not always—produces profound thoughts and solutions that change the course of our life.

You can’t dig to depth, or think deeply in the midst of noise, and it’s a noisy world. Phones ring. Kids scurry through. Spouses need things. Text messages ding. The computer shouts “You’ve got mail!” All the while the TV or radio blares in the background and we have the temerity to say “I’m thinking.” Not so much.

Learning and growing can’t take place in a life that is noisy. It requires ingestion of ideas through great books, podcasts, conversations & travel. Then it requires digestion of what you’ve ingested. Some of it will help you learn and grow while some just produces waste. You separate the good from the bad as you dig deep into the ideas, and into your heart, and evaluate what you find in comparison to what you know is truth. Thus, you grow. And, somewhere on the other side of that growth, comes calm.

It’s a chaotic world out there. Politically. Economically. Socially. Your internal world is chaotic, too. Relationships. Finances. Fears. All of these things produce friction that is sometimes too much to bear, and when we can’t stand it anymore we spew gasoline on the sparks all the while wondering why we are having to continually fight fires.

You, your family, the people you work with, even the world needs your calm.

Get a shovel, and start digging.

Here’s an encouraging word for you from King Solomon of Israel—highly regarded as the wisest man who ever lived. He wrote “Death is the destiny of every man, the living should take this to heart.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

Solomon’s thought isn’t a negative warning (but some of us are conditioned to take it that way). Instead, its a word of encouragement.

It is true. You are going to die. Me to.

While “manana, manana” is a nice mantra for the beach in Mexico, it doesn’t make for abundant living. Solomon is reminding us that life will end, and that too many “mananas” will turn into “nada.”  We need to make the most of every day. Make hay while the sun shines. Strike while the iron is hot. Say it however you like, the point is: a life delayed is a life denied. Many of us have Someday Syndrome. Meanwhile, the clock ticks.

What are those things you are going to do with your life?

You’d better get started. Your destiny awaits.